Hard To Kill

... Steven Seagal is HARD TO KILL.

In Seagal's second feature film, he stars as the bad-ass, respect demanding, ex-detective, PI - Mason Storm. Storm follows a lead and finds himself in a dark alleyway recording a meeting between high-ranking mobsters and a renowned politician. The mafia agrees to take down a current senator's jet so that the politician bad guy can take his chair in the senate. Before he has a chance to bust this crooked s.o.b. assassins are sent to kill Storm and his family, along with anyone else who knows about the audio and video recordings. The hitmen are obviously clowns and even though they kill Mason Storms wife, they fail to even shoot his kid, who slips out a window, and after getting their asses handed to them by an injured Seagal, they only critically wound him. Storm was technically pronounced dead, but then came around, and survived in a coma. An old friend of Storm's from internal affairs is the only person, other than the doctors to know, so, for their own protection, it was kept a secret and his son's death was fained as well. After seven years Seagal's character finally comes around and he is aided by a nurse that has been checking out his dick for almost a decade. For the rest of the movie, Seagal recovers and trains back into fighting shape (There was a kick ass montage, with Chinese music, of Seagal training and using acupuncture for recovery) while evading bad guys and hunting down clues to who killed his family. Storm eventually exposes the senator, with some help from his friends, and reunites with his son, killing a bunch of bad guys along the way.

This film's highlights include:
While buying liquor, Seagal encounters some robbers. He put one of them in an ankle lock and broke his leg as hard as he could.
Seagal actually yelled "mother fucker!!" then he broke every one of a guys fingers, all with several shotgun slugs in his chest and shoulder.
In one fight scene, Storm broke a bad guy's arm, literally, in half, then slammed him head-first into a china cabinet.

There were some pretty entertaining Seagal quotes in this one:
Seagal, to himself, after hearing his enemies signature catch phrase, 'You can take that to the bank.' says "I'm gonna take you to the bank... to the blood bank."
Storm shot a shotgun between the bad guy's legs and missed. He then said "I missed. I never miss. They must have been smaller than I thought.
When Storm finally found the assassin that killed his wife, he killed him with a broken pool cue through the neck. Then he told him, "take your cue, and die."
Storm killed a crooked cop and said "Now you're a good cop."

Despite some of the hilarious witty humor that Seagal provides us in Hard to Kill, it was just way too slow moving and there wasn't enough action and Seagal raised his voice a few times. There weren't a lot of broken arms, but the ones that were broken were pretty sweet and Seagal's character's name in this one was MASON STORM. Those were the biggest reason that Hard To Kill earned itself an extra ponytail and a half here for a total of 2 and a half ponytails.

Hard To Kill: 2.5 Ponytails