Half Past Dead

"The good. The bad. And the deadly."

The movie opens up with Steven Seagal, as undercover FBI agent - Sasha Petrosovich, easily fooling a lie detector test for some Mafiosos. Sasha is bent on busting these sleazy mobsters because they killed his wife. Once they are convinced he's one of them, it's onto some business. Sasha's partner in crime, Nick Frazier (Ja Rule) hooks him up with the usual gig- boosting fancy cars. Of course, being a snitch, Seagal had set Nick up, hoping he'd squeal on the boss. Instead, Ja Rule pulled out his pistols and has a shoot-out with a handful of heavily armed federal agents that ends with Seagal getting shot in the back. Everyone thought he was dead, but he wasn't... he was half-passed dead. The movie then fast-forwards to a revamped Alcatraz, tricked out with all the latest technology- they even got Playstations in the cells. It's here where Seagal plants himself (disguised in his do-rag) to try to get his partner Nick to snitch to him about some crimes that the mob boss has committed. Seagal and Ja Rule immediately hit-it off and have a real touching scene of apology, acting like an old married couple. What Sasha and the feds don't know is that some guy who stole 20 million dollars worth of federal gold has been sent to the new Alcatraz as well. He's there to test out the new hi-tech execution chamber. All that gold was never found and this guy plans on taking their whereabouts with him to his grave. Some crazy guy who works for the government doesn't want that to happen though. His goons and he break into Alcatraz and hold a bunch of people hostage, including some senator that was there to witness the execution. The bad guy and his posse start killing people and making demands for the gold, but their chopper crashes though the prison roof and so they need a ride out too. Seagal goes around killing off all of the henchmen, one of which he battles with like hang-tough (the American Gladiators competition). Sasha then rallies up all the inmates for a rebellion against the crazy guy and his gang. Theres a big boring gun-fight and most everyone dies except for Ja Rule and Seagal and the lead bad guy. He ends up taking off in an FBI chopper and takes the senator with him where he eventually tosses her out of it for Seagal to sky-dive after. The bad guy was caught, and Seagal hooks Ja Rule up with a pardon from his prison time for all of his help.

As you can clearly tell from the synopsis, this movie was pretty terrible. There was barely any real action, Seagal didn't break ANY bones, and his character's name was Sasha. Ja Rule does get his ass kicked by a girl though, so that earns Half Past Dead an extra half of a ponytail, totaling it up at 1.5 Ponytails.

Half Past Dead: 1.5 Ponytails